What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 30.06.2025 08:15
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Im still living with it.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
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And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
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But, we were locked up after school.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
She loved him until the end.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
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And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
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They are buried together, in the same grave..
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I said to her
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
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So whats the point in blame.
She found it foreign!.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
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A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
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But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
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I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
She married twice! .
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
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I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
This is how, and why children get BPD.
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But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I was seconnd youngest,
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
When she asked me how she looked .
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
My family never makes their pension either.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I don,t even have a pension.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I could never make a relationship work though!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Ive learnt so much.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
It was going to be , some day.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Who then, do I blame.?
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
One cannot live in the past .
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
As i do to all so called friends.?
I was very sick at this time too.
I waited trembling.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
(And it was in our own minds.)
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
But ive been too sick for many years..
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Put me off passion for life!!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I write beautiful poetry .
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
He resisted the act ,that day.
And i lived it daily.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I was 9 years of age.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
She wouldn,t have been !
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I was scared of men, in general
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I think the readers, may guess!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I couldn’t, believe it.
Especially a lifetime of it.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I never cut or harmed myself..
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Comes on , in middle age.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
He knew the spot.
What did i know ?
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I will be 64.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
We all went to grammer schools
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Would this be the day?
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
My life is so biszare .
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
All the time i was locked up.
Why did i forgive my father ?
She was in good health!
We were not on the streets..
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
This is soul school!.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Was to survive, this bastard.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
And who doesn’t know suffering?
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
But it wasn’t much.
So, i spoilt her more .
I have no regrets .
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!